Dizzy's Bunny Hell

2023-01-25 - The Great Ritalin Shortage of 2023

First off, I'm thinking of adding subtitles to my journal entries, just to give you all an idea of what to expect. I think that this idea will really take off.

Secondly... Well. Yesterday, I went to the doctor to get my Ritalin refilled. I even asked for an increase in dosage, since I don't feel like my current dosage is helping enough. He refilled it, of course, and I went over to the pharmacy to get that picked up.

Yeah, apparently Ritalin is on backorder. For a long time, at that!

I've had... Some troubles relating to medication in general, lately. I had to postpone my psychiatrist appointment by a week because it interfered with school, and that appointment was to refill my Zoloft. I... Didn't know that there would be any repercussions to not getting a refill right away, and I kinda sorta spent an entire week quitting cold turkey. That week was filled with dizziness, headaches the likes of which you could never imagine, tiredness, and other fun things.

I'm back on Zoloft now, but man... Now, the other medication that I require to function like a normal human being is on backorder, and who knows when I'll be able to get back on it again??? This doesn't have withdrawal symptoms, so I'm lucky in that regard, but I still want to be able to focus on stuff! I've heard that caffeine can be a good self-medicating tool, as can exercise. I'll definitely try both just so that I can function. I want to be able to do things. I never asked to have ADHD. It's a curse, I tell you...!

2023-01-11

I believe that there may be... Quite a bit to be talked about today! There's a lot of stuff that's on my plate now, and I've been meaning to try to put it all into words.

So! First off! I have a bit of a new project! While I don't really talk about it much here (I really need to actually make the shrines about my interets someday...), I'm a pretty big fan of Metal Gear Solid. Unfortunately, the best wiki for it is hosted on Fandom, which is a horrible website for too many reasons to list. I'm currently in the process of making an independent Metal Gear Wiki, though getting a community is proving to be pretty difficult. I don't really use Twitter, so I've been using Tumblr and Cohost as my main methods of trying to reach people. I also found an independent gaming wiki network, and some people there are interested in helping! Honestly, I'm just kind of worried that this will be a really big undertaking, and I'll get overwhelmed and just abandon it. Abandoning projects does seem to be a recurring habit of mine, and I really want to break it.

The only other Internet related things that I've been up to are things like submitting an entry in the Yesterweb zine, and trying (and failing...) to learn JavaScript. It's pretty difficult for me to actually sit down and learn things, mostly due to what I'm going to get into next...

Real life.

Pretty horrifying stuff already, I know. It's not as bad as it could be -- I have mentioned that my dad has cancer before, but he's recovering pretty well! He's more fatigued and has to go to the hospital sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm certainly a lot less worried than I was when I first heard the news! Even though my dad is doing well, that doesn't mean that my real life is necessarily as good as I would like it to be. I started school recently, and while my course load is pretty light, I'm still very worried that I might fail some classes. I also have to actually start learning to drive (I'm in my 20s! I swear! I'm just not good at being an adult!), try to get a job at some point, actually get out of bed before noon... My sleep schedule is screwed up beyond belief, keeping rooms clean is way harder than it needs to be, and I just feel... Overwhelmed? I guess? I don't know?

I'm very hopeful that things will pick up soon. I want to have a good year. I want to be good at things, I want to focus on stuff, I want all of that. It's just hard to give myself the push without external motivation, which isn't necessarily good by itself.

Let's hope that my next entry is more uplifting (and that I update the actual website beyond journals, as well!) :P

2023-01-02

At the time of writing, it is 2:38PM. I do not plan to edit this before I publish this, so any errors are due to sleep deprivation.

I’ve talked about anxiety here in the past, I believe. Sometimes, the demons of anxiety come back at the worst possible moments, and lately, they’ve tortured me about Neocities. I saw something very distressing -- I don’t want to get too into it, but it was a shrine dedicated to an actual tragedy. I looked on this person’s website for a bit, and that rabbit hole led me somewhere even worse -- An actual cult. This kid was claiming himself to be part of some... thing called “Diceorg”, whatever that means. I looked into it a bit, and it’s run by a 16 year old(!!!) who wants people to worship her and give her money and stuff?? The website has coded messages that propose cutting yourself or sacrificing animals to be a verified member of the Discord server (though drawing this person or giving her money would also suffice, apparently), and that was just scary. I don't know if the site is hosted on Neocities, but the old/personal web aesthetic they had going on certainly worried me either way.

I joined the server out of curiosity. I couldn’t see many channels, since I wasn’t “verified” or whatever, but I could see a channel where you could react with a number corresponding to your age. “1” for under 12, “2” for 13, “3” for 14, and so on and so forth. To no one’s surprise, most members were 15 years old or younger.

This fired up the anxiety.

I worry for these kids, I worry for minors on the Internet in general. Sometimes, I see some of these kids bring their social media culture to their personal websites (DNI lists, absolutely insane discourse, etc etc) and it’s scary. Part of the reason why I left social media in the first place was because I despised that culture with a burning passion, and wanted to leave! Is this really my escape, my personal corner of the Internet, if I can’t escape the culture of eternal drama? Perpetual discourse and refusing to get help for mental illness and harassment and callouts and everything else and I’m scared that I’ll get wrapped up in it and I don’t want to get caught up in any sort of discourse or drama…

It’s scary.

Maybe that’s just my anxiety talking. 

I just hope that we bring back Internet safety classes, that we encourage people to live lives outside of the Internet, and that people stop trying to bring a downright hostile culture to the personal web. I don’t want that to happen. 

... Maybe I need to get outside more. College starts back up in a week, after all. I can’t just go down rabbit holes that make me more anxious, and scared for the well-being of others. I can’t do anything to help them, no matter how much I want to. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m making much sense...

2022-12-29

I kept meaning to make this entry on Christmas, but I unfortunately kept putting it off... >_> I've been needing to clean a bit, I've been trying (and failing...) to do other things in real life... But hey! I'm writing this now, so I can finally tell you guys what Christmas was like!

I still live with my parents, and since most of our family lives in the west coast, holidays tend to just be the three of us. I've no issue with this -- Social anxiety plagues my life, after all. :P This does come with the consequence that there's... Not many interesting things to write about, other than the gifts (Which is the primary thing I wanted to write about, anyway.).

I have received a new camera! An Instax Mini 11, to be exact. I'm very excited to use this thing, though I dunno what I should take pictures of, lol. This is such a huge step up from my old Instax Mini, and I'm extremely happy to own it. I was also gifted a stripped down phone that can't connect to the Internet, which should hopefully be less distracting than my actual smartphone. I want to be able to focus at college when that starts up again, and I think that this should be a good first step? I hope? Maybe? We'll see????

The only other gifts of note are from my dad (A 52 week planner, which I doubt will receive much use, but is very cool nonetheless), my mom (A hot cocoa bomb set, which I'm very excited to use!), and one of my sisters, who sent me a 100 dollar gift card to a stationery store. I'll be sure to post what I've gotten either here or on Dreamwidth when they've arrived!

2022-12-16

I... Have a lot of problems with motivation, I think! I don't really have much to say in this journal, but in lieu of that... I believe I shall make a list of things that I wish to write. Writing is fun, and it's easier for me than drawing, and I have more than a few plans, so...

• Write my part for the January 2022 issue of the Yesterweb Zine! I already have a basic idea, I just need to start writing it.
• Actually making the shrines that I want to make has proven to be a little bit difficult. I'm always unsure what I should add, and trying to make sure that it doesn't sound too much like a Wikipedia page, I guess??? It's a mentality that I seriously need to break out of, honestly...
• I also kind of want to write some sort of Internet manifesto! I do want it to be a bit more positive and whatnot, though I'm struggling trying to start it lol.
• Oh! Right! Fiction! Fanfiction, original fiction, I have so many goddamn WIPs... I know that I have about... Five? Five fanfic WIPs?? I'm fairly sure that I only have a couple original fiction WIPs, though.
• And then there's RP stuff on Discord. If I recall correctly, there's only about three things I have to do there. It's definitely something where anxiety makes it much harder for me than it actually is. Like, what if it's bad? A friend has told me to just... Send it without worrying too much, but my brain sometimes prevents me from doing so. I need to annihilate that part of my brain!!!

2022-12-07

Today was definitely better than the other day! Being regular with Zoloft is definitely really helping my mood, lol. Antidepressants for the win!! :D I don't really have much to talk about, but some pretty cool stuff happened lately! :P

My Spirit Phone cassette arrived! ^_^ I've had a cassette player for pretty much as long as I can remember, so I'm really happy about this. The bad news is that my cassette player's batteries are dead, and I kiiind of stripped the screw for the battery compartment. My dad has offered to help, so I'm excited to get that fixed and listen to Neil banging out those tunes!

2022-12-05

Today was... Certainly a day. As it turns out, one of my friends is a total asshole. Worse than that, actually. It's... Sickening. It's horrifying knowing that people can seem really kind and pleasant when you're talking to them, but turn out to be awful people behind your backs. I'm glad that the others in the friend group took swift action and are compiling evidence for their actions, but I can't help but be completely disgusted and angry over this entire thing. I don't really want to get into what they've done (It's not my place to talk about it, either way), but this entire situation is really messy and gross.

Honestly, this entire past week hasn't been great. I've been staying up for hours on end each night, due to paranoia. My paranoia gets worse if I don't sleep, so I'm trapped in a bit of a loop. I haven't been getting basically anything done that I want to do, and everything seems difficult right now. Seasonal affective depression is the worst! I really want to be able to do things again, I want my friends to be happier, I want my OCD to shut up...

I just hope that tomorrow is better.

2022-11-19

Procrastination is still kicking my ass and it sucks... T_T I want to be able to do things, but my brain seems to not allow me to. The funny things on the computer screen are far more enticing than cleaning what needs to be cleaned... I did manage to do one thing, though! I'm going to meet an academic advisor this Monday! My entire thing with school has been pretty all over the place, and I really do want to get things sorted out. ^^; That mostly just leaves the stuff I have to do at home... That's gonna be difficult. My brain simply refuses to cooperate. I've also basically given up on NaNoWriMo? I'm still interested in the story concept, and I may try to write it at a later date, but I don't think that I'm gonna get it done by the end of this month. Procrastination (and anxiety, and ADHD...) is one bitch ass motherfucker lol.

2022-11-14

I need to break my screen addiction. I'm back to doing completely useless things as I just stare at a screen. I've even neglected doing any work for the site, in favor of just. Staring. I want to fix this. I really want to fix this. I've been getting really awful sleep lately, and don't think that I can stay up much longer (despite it only being 9:40). I think that I'll try to sleep... And inevitably stay on my phone until 1AM.

2022-10-29

Life still isn't going great, but I do have Ritalin now! ^_^ My antidepressants are also working really well, so that's always nice! :D I'm very excited for Halloween! I'm probably not going to be doing much, but I'm very excited, nonetheless.

2022-10-23

Life has not been going great for me, lately. My dad has cancer, and starts chemotherapy tomorrow. He keeps telling me not to worry, that it will be fine, but I can't help but be incredibly scared and anxious. While I have started a new antidepressant (that seems to be working rather well!), I haven't really been able to do anything that I want to do... Luckily, I have my doctor's appointment for a Ritalin refill tomorrow. Hopefully, that'll allow me to do stuff again... I rather miss doing stuff.

2022-10-20

So as it turns out, this is a valid HTML journal lol. So that's pretty rad. I do plan to use this more often, in hopes that I can get my thoughts across. Things aren't really going well for me right now, and I do hope that my future journals aren't overly cynical or pessimistic. I'd hate to be a downer!

2022-10-09

I'm trying out an HTML journal. The formatting is pretty different, so I doubt I can validate it. But still, it's here if I ever need it!